2.15am

it's like, 'yes! that's the life I really want.' 

then what do you do about it? 

1.30am rant

Not supposed to be up till 2.30am but  here I'm with 1h to kill, tossing and turning. Just yesterday I slept at 10am and woke up at like... 5am? Spent the rest of the day zombiefied. What is wrong with my body clock... :( 

Also had my first ever driving class!! After 5 years of procrastination, here we go. Ultimately I understood why did it take me 5 years to do this. I honestly hated it. Not the mehh just tide through and get over and done with thing. It is the: I don't wanna learn how to drive, I am destined to be chauffeured around!!!!!! 

Guess I'll just hunt around for another more patient/ less naggy/ English-speaking/ cleaner car instructor... 

Feels so much better ranting out to the World Wide Web. 

Thank you for reading my verbal vomit .....! 

contentment

Contentment used to be such an achievable thing. Simple things like having dinner with people who matters after a long crappy day, when you come home to an parcel, visiting a cafe, or even getting to sleep in new fresh sheets. I used to be able to find contentment in anything and everything. I swear there was this point of time when everything was just so... Perfect. I didn't want to change anything.

And then... Life happens. No matter how hard I try, something is just not right and at times there is this hollowness in me which I do not know how to comprehend. I feel so disconnected from myself and everyone else sometimes. Perhaps those time spent alone in hotel rooms and completely different timezones has taken a toll on me mentally. Somehow I manage to escape from problems, you know?

"This can wait, I'm on a vacation!"

And as much as I really want to be there for everyone, I can't.

Vice versa.

No idea what's going on in this pointless entry, just me trying to figure what's going on in my jet-lagged brain.

And oh, hello to whoever who's still reading this space...!

*awkward wave*

Thank you for reading my nonsensical thoughts... 

cloudy with a chance of...

NRT: Standing Sushi Bar > Senjosi Temple > Edo-Tokyo Museum 

LAX: Santa Monica Beach > Bubba Gump > Hollywood sign > Hollywood Street

So this pretty much sums up my 8 days trip! Rented a car in LA and drove out to Santa Monica beach and the Hollywood sign! The weather was perfect for the beach... Sunny but really windy at the same time. I always count myself lucky to meet spontaneous people to do some exploring together.

Visited the oldest temple and the museum in Japan this time round. It is a pity that we weren't able to finish exploring the museum (which fyi, we stayed till closing...). Yes I'm a museum/ palace/ temple/ cathedral kind of person. It's a surreal feeling, knowing that all of these happened, perhaps right where you are standing. 

But you know... I'm still a shopping/ food/ shopping most of the time. :p 

“I fall apart subtly. It’s not loud. It’s bags under my eyes, and meals skipped. It’s not laughing at my favorite shows, not singing along to my favorite songs. It’s subtle, but oh my god, it is real and right now I’m in a million pieces.”

apt

"It’s about falling asleep in an undisclosed city, in an unnamed hotel, at an hour that you don’t know what, knowing that no one can keep up with you and you can’t even keep up with yourself. 

It’s lonely because no matter who loves you when you are New York and they are in Charlotte, your life can only include them in moments. The ‘I miss yous’ and ‘See you soons’find you in London today, but Los Angeles tomorrow. They think your life is glamorous and you do too, but you can’t explain just how much a normal day at a museum with them, in a normal city means. Because you don’t want glamour, you just want to know they are there for you and you will be there for them. The problem is, you don’t know where you will be tomorrow and you know it’s selfish to drag someone through your crazy life with you. You place a little bit of a guard around your heart, throwing yourself into everything that the flight attendant life is instead, because that will take care of all the loneliness. 

You can’t pack all of your relationships with you all of the time and you feel so guilty for this. The guilt begins to pile up like an overweight bag, reminding that maybe with this perfect life you are losing what you care about most and who cares about you. You keep falling asleep alone in hotel rooms where the numbers run together and you don’t know if you’re in 215 or 512 or, “Was that the room number from last week’s trip?” You begin to wonder if it’s worth it."

nice to meet you NYC

I'm back!!!

Figured that these pretty photos have to go somewhere at least. Nopes not Facebook nopes. And I should really start penning down my thoughts... Since I've been all over the place for quite some time and my memory is slowly failing me (ha ha ha). 

So, this is New York!!! Everything was great other than the tiring flight, crappy hotel and your super jetlagged FSS. Was with the most spontaneous New York first timers, therefore the touristy to-do list is half down!

New York has the prettiest sunsets! From the ones between the streets to the Top Of The Rock. And it is truly the city that never sleeps... Imagine me roaming around Times Square at 10.30pm, doing some last minute shopping while waiting for the store closing announcement to come out. But it never came, not till 12 midnight at least. I was dragging myself back to the hotel by 11.30pm.

Never thought that I would have the chance of visiting NYC if you asked me maybe 5 years ago. Although I was dragging my jetlagged body around half the time... It was worth it. The question is really how long can someone do this for? 

2015

10 days in 2015 and I still feel the same. No, actually I feel lonelier and sadder than 2014. Must be all the flying and different timezones. Me spending 12mn (GMT+8) in Munich all alone isn't cool. Oh well. At least i was in Europe. Could be somewhere worst, and smellier.

2014 has been a complete mess. I once said, 'I want a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous'. Wonder if the ocean is jealous now.

Everyone got sick of my problems. This is why I stopped telling. Even I myself got sick of them. This is why I decided to end it. Not easy but I finally did it. Not ready for anything. Not deserving to get anything. That's what I feel now. Confused, heartbroken and filled with guilt. How can something so simple turned out to be so ugly?

You were the one whom I turned to when I've dilemmas. Big or small: what to have for lunch, which photo looks better on Instagram, what outfit to wear (you would always always choose the dress) or what time to sleep even. I wish there was an answer to this endless dilemma.

You gave up on me.
I gave up on myself too.